


You were meant to die

by Milkyblue



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Actually Makishima does too, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Dark Humor, Fingering and all that good stuff, Fluff, Fucked up logic, Humor, Internal Conflict, Kougami needs a hug, M/M, Makishima didn't die, Makishima doing his shitty 'prep talks', Might be slightly dub-con idk yet, More tags will follow...maybe, Obsession, Persuasion - Freeform, Philosophy, Possibly triggering because Makishima Shougo, Smut, Starts at the end of season 1, Violence, alternative ending, mindgames
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 23:20:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12641373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milkyblue/pseuds/Milkyblue
Summary: „I’m still about 60% up to kill your sorry ass off so maybe you should start giving me reasons not to do it.“, Kougami suggested, scrunching his eyebrows and shooting Makishima a bone-chilling look to shut him up.„I don't need to.“, was the assuring reply.„70%.“Or: What if Makishima Shogo didn't die? Badly injured, yes. But alive.Not succeeding in taking down the mass-controlling Sibyl system and bringing freedom to a country of controlled puppets, he did succeed in one thing. Turn the only person who could've stopped him against it.This is the struggle of our favourite (former) Enforcer to cope with his kind of not so new obsession and of Makishima trying to outsmart his capturer.





	You were meant to die

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and thank you for stopping by! :3
> 
> This story is meant to tell an alternative ending of Season one. Which means: Makishima did not succeed in destroying the Sybil system but he managed to destroy Kougami's loyalty to it.
> 
> (I'm honestly wondering if there is anyone left who knows and likes this pairing... owo')

He was going crazy. Totally nuts. Ready for a VIP no return ticket to the asylum.

Into the more heavily guarded section of course, not that mental playground in the front yard.

He deserved a nice solitary cell and those fancy jackets to hug yourself instead of hurting others. Because he really must've lost it.

It was the only reasonable explanation.

 

For why he was currently having some kind of mild mental breakdown and smoking the fourth cigarette in a row. Not that it was unusual for him to smoke like a chimney, but for some reason the nicotine refused to calm his critical state right now. The cause of which currently lying in the bedroom around the corner looking more dead than alive.

 

And it really had been way too close to death call by the time the doctor had managed to find this place. Considering that Kogami had dragged the bleeding body all the way here it was mere luck the guy was still managing a heartbeat.

Removing the bullet had been the hardest part, they were at it for half an hour. Kogami had assisted as no one else was around to do so and while he thought himself pretty used to the sight of murder victims and mutilations, he did have a hard time to keep it down when he could look into the wound all the way to the bone. It was a sickening sight but there was no time to feel disturbed.

 

As the doctor had put it in a somewhat amused voice: 'one centimeter further in and your friend would’ve slept with the fishes'.

Kougami had to bite back a comment on how that had been the initial plan, yes.

 

Shuddering slightly at the memory he took a long drag from his smoke.

Now that Kogami was no longer chasing after the crazy mass murderer or trying to prevent said guy from drowning on his own blood he was supposed to lay down and rest for a bit. Or so he had been told after handing over the medic’s payment with a generous sum of hush money on top of it.

 

But instead of just passing out on the nearest flat surface, Kougami was having a very uncharacteristic inner conflict regarding his sanity. Uncharacteristic because he had never really cared about psychological labels and defined people by their actions. Looking back at his own he started to actually consider the possibility that he might’ve lost it.

Like a switch suddenly turning from 'sane' to 'insane' in the blink of an eye.

 

Maybe he should try to turn it back up by finishing what he’d started.

Killing Makishima Shogo.

 

It wouldn't be hard at all now. Just push a pillow onto his face and leave it there for a few minutes applying a steady amount of pressure. Childs play.

 

The fact that he was actually considering the thought after having basically saved the guy's life made him even angrier at himself.

Maybe he should really do it.

Just to prevent the feelings of regret that had yet to arise.

Just to finish what he'd started. Or maybe just to prove it to himself that he hadn't actually gone insane.

 

Because thinking about it logically, no sane human being would carry his nemesis to a safe place, use illegal connections to call an underground doctor and even assist the operation all night ...right? Not after having spend several years to hunt him down, going as far as to abandon the governmental ways to do so even. All that work just be thrown out of the window. How stupid. And he didn’t even want to start on how much of a betrayal that was to an old friend and dear person.

 

Kougami ran a hand through his hair which was starting to grow way too long for his liking.

 

The sun outside the dirty wooden window was slowly setting, the room getting darker by the minute, painting the furniture in warm orange light and silence.

Soon another day would come to its end. It seemed almost idyllic after all absurdity of the past 24 hours.

Here he was scrubbing the wooden floor clean from the bloody mess, trying not to give in to a psychic fit and try to kill someone…again and life was just going on and about around him, as if he didn't royally screw up.

Against all logic he had expected there to be some kind of immediate karmic reaction.

Something, anything to prove him right about having done the wrong thing.

But nothing had happened. Not yet. No vehicles arriving in front of the house, no special squads kicking in the door and certainly no one pointing a dominater at his head and telling him that 'oh boy but at least he had broken the record of highest psycho pass ever recorded'.

 

But there he was, peering up at the tiniest of sounds, trying to suppress the escape plans popping into his head and keeping an eye on the lookalike corpse next door.

 

He needed to do something, busy his mind and it was either smoke while cleaning the bloodied floor or stomping into that room and twisting the guy's head to an ankle where it couldn't be turned back again.

 

After removing the last stain and finishing yet another smoke, he went to dispose of the rag and red tinted water in the bucket.

 

Passing through a corridor Kougami briefly took a look at the picture frames hanging on the walls, concluding that whoever had lived here passed away a long time ago.

It wasn't all too unusual that no one had bothered to demolish the house because nowadays everyone moved to the big cities and there was no use for a small wooden cabin so far out in the fields. He had seen the house on his way to the factory which he knew Makishima would be trying to destroy. Speaking of which, he had neglected to check up on him for a while again, hadn't he?

 

Reluctantly Kougami dragged his tired body to the bedroom and sighed heavily before entering.

To his surprise (and maybe horror) the white haired man was now stirring slightly, his pale features twisted in pain. Evidently he would be waking up and the thought that he should just leave crossed Kougamis mind in an instant.

But before he could've put it into action Makishima cracked his eyes open, slowly blinking repeatedly as if it took all his strength to keep them open, adjusting to the light.

 

Those very golden orbs that had haunted his dreams so many times were once again directed at him causing a strangely warm feeling of familiarity to well up in Kougami.

 

Makishima had a blank face for a few long seconds, probably trying to remember who he was, what happened and all that stuff. Kougami knew the feeling all too well from his own few times in the intensive care unit. He could observe the exact moment the cogs turned in Makishima's mind by the widening of his eyes.

Kougami briefly wondered what was more surprising to him. Still being alive or seeing him upon waking?

Not that he could blame him for being taken aback by either of those. No one was more surprised than himself.

 

Locking eyes with the raven-haired man, Makishima stared at him like he'd grown a second nose on his forehead or something before his expression finally assumed the usual slightly amused but otherwise neutral look the former enforcer was so familiar with.

 

What Kougami did not expect was for Makishima to snap his eyes shut again right afterwards.

 

_You bastard, don't act like you're in denial now._

 

"Oi.“

 

"Light...hurts.", said a quite, croaking voice he hardly recognized.

 

_Oh._

The peaceful rays of sunshine flooding in through the window right in front of the bed reached all the way to Makishima's face, illuminating the dark circles and anemic skin color.

 

After an operation like this they had doped his immune system with all the stuff the doctor had brought along.

Medicine had developed quite remarkable in the last 10 years, being able to heal almost every illness that would've lead to death in the past.

As a child Kogami had to nurse a broken arm for months and now you could go at a 100% again just about 3 weeks later. The side effects were somewhat annoying: being sensible to light, sound and touch, having fever a lot and a splitting headache no matter the kind of injury. Kougami remembered it all too well.

 

Still he had no intentions of lessening the man’s suffering. Instead he settled into the armchair across the room just below the window, leaning forward with folded hands. A minute to compose himself was what he needed right now, because even after a whole day of thinking and contemplating he still had no idea what he was supposed to do or say.

Before, his thoughts would be swirling with questions, one more important than the other, all of them bearing some kind of emotion.

But none came to mind now because the moment he shifted the gun he had known, _deep down known_ the answers.

What he did not know was how to deal with them.

 

Makishima was watching him curiously through squinted eyes. Kougami felt him staring but he wasn’t ready to face the truth yet so they just sat in silence.

 

After a while - Kougami had gone so far into his own thoughts he had almost forgotten the other person’s presence - the sound of shifting and a rough voice made him finally look up again.

 

“The mystery of human existence-„ Makishima made a pause to breath, the words obviously exerting him when he was trying to sit up.

 

„- lies not in just… staying alive, but-„, a coughing fit interrupted his speech at the shift in motion.

Kougami gathered that the man was quoting something, probably a classic. How typical.

But at the same time he was getting up from the bed and suddenly Kougami was moving without thinking, catching Makishima mid-fall in his arms, as his feet gave way.

It had happened so fast that Kougamis mind only managed to catch up when he had Makishima leaning against his chest.

 

„In finding something to live for.” , he finished with a smile so utterly pleased it was absurd and once again those enticing golden eyes were locked on him.

It was so weirdly hypnotizing and way to close. Kougami had to force his eye off the man and instead roughly pushed him upwards and onto the bed again, with more force than needed.

 

Makishima made a little 'Ooof'-sound and clenched his eyes shut, enduring the pain.

It caused a pang of guilt in Kougami but he willingly suppressed it. What a stupid emotion.

Because another part of him, a bigger and scarier part was cheeringly taking in the sight of distress on the pale man’s face, enjoying it even.

 

"You shouldn’t get up yet."

 

„That I figured. But I’m also dehydrated and tired of the light…and since you didn’t look like you’d cope with reality any time soon… I wanted to get some water.“ Makishima answered tiredly with pauses in-between words, pointing to the open door that led to a small living room. There was no spite in his voice, just a simple if somewhat amused explanation. What was going on in this guy’s mind?

 

Maybe there really was some truth to his psycho pass, even though Kougami never fully believed in all that stuff.

How was this man so easily adapting to a situation where he was almost killed by his nemesis and might now be in for things even worse?

What number would pop up on his eye’s retina if he were to point a Dominator at him right now?

 

„You’re taking this pretty well.“

 

„Better than you it seems.“

 

„Yeah.“

 

„So…did you figure it out yet?“

 

Kougami raised an eyebrow questioningly.

 

„I see. Guess I'll die of dehydration then."

 

Clicking his tongue somewhat annoyed he still did get up to find some water, if only to shut the guy up for now.

Briefly he considered slipping a few pills into the glass, make Makishima sleep for a few hours more. Or maybe forever, who knows. But in the end he returned with plain water.

 

Kougami watched the other man take a careful sip, process if he could keep that down and than take a few more.

Makishima probably felt nauseous. It would make sense after the kind of operation he had undergone.

He watched him drink for a while, just standing in the middle of the room without knowing what to do with himself.

He wasn’t this lost usually. Confidence and a cool head even in the densest situations was something you acquired while working as an Inspector. Either that or you failed.

Never-mind, actually you could fail pretty easily even with those attributes. He was an excellent example for that.

But right now he had no idea what the best course of action would be.

 

„Figure out what?“, he decided to bring up again. Makishima had a knack for speaking in riddles, but this time he was actually somehow glad for any kind of answer.

 

„What you're going to do now.“, the white-haired man answered between sips.

 

That almost made him laugh, because apparently they were thinking the same thing. Again. Which…made sense, because it was obvious that Makishima couldn’t do much against anything Kougami would come up with. Although there was still the possibility that the guy had some kind of trick up his sleeve anyways. Another thing to ponder on.

 

„I…haven't decided yet.“, he stated hesitantly.

„Is there something I can do about it? I’m not against you taking your sweet time, but my eyes are getting tired.“, Makishima inquired, sarcastically probably while looking as calm as ever.

It pissed Kougami off.

 

„I’m still about 60% up to kill your sorry ass off so maybe you should start giving me reasons not to do it.“, Kougami suggested, scrunching his eyebrows and shooting the other one a bone-chilling look to shut him up. He should’ve known it was no use talking to this overconfident piece of shit.

 

„I don't need to.“, was the assuring reply.

 

„70%.“

 

Makishima chuckled. It sounded hoarse and painful but Kougami recognized the old voice in it. The one he had chased for so long he came to hear it even in his dreams.

 

„I think you already know the reason.“, Makishima continued his thesis. His voice was gaining strength after being used again.

 

„You seem so sure about that. Do tell.“

 

„You might not agree with it on an intellectual level, but you can't ignore the change you gradually underwent. You don’t realize it yet but you also can’t go back to the way you were before.“

 

Those words hit way too close to home. Trust this pale freak to have a heart to heart with his kidnapper upon waking from a coma.

And Kougami might actually surprise Makishima there. He was aware _something_ went wrong. That something had broken or gradually morphed to this…insanity that had made him miss when it mattered most.

But his awareness didn’t meant that he was ready to face it. Not yet and maybe never. His mind seemed to close in on himself right now, rejecting further analyzes.

„That’s enough.“

 

„The soul of a person becomes apparent when they face death. Either receiving or giving it. You have shown what lies in yours when you failed to kill me. And you know it.“

 

Kougami felt a cold chill run down his back. How the hell did that man know all this. How was is possible for him to have picked up on Kougami’s inner conflict so quickly?

„No, I don't know anything. It's all messed up.“

He spoke too quickly and with a desperateness to his voice, that shocked himself.

 

„It isn’t. It’s a simple thing, see? You failed the system. You failed your precious colleges. And you failed your par-„

 

„Shut up! “, was the rough interruption. Kougami didn’t even realize he had raised his voice.

But he didn’t want to hear it.

„If you finish this sentence, I’ll-„

 

„Failed your partner.“, Makishima calmly finished.

„You can’t go back to how you were before.“

 

Why was Makishima riling him up? What was he trying to accomplish? He was at Kougami’s utter mercy and still trying to bite back.

 

„So the only way is to go forward.“

 

Kougami snapped. In the blink of an eye he was at the bedside and gripping the collar of the borrowed shirt Makishima wore, that he had found inside the house. Dragging him upward and earning a pained gasp about being hoisted up with the injury from a shot to the chest and the scrunched up expression to go along with it.

„Shut the fuck up. Want me to prove you wrong right now?!“, he all but shouted into the psychopath’s face. Ready to end all this madness right here and now.Tear open the wound with a punch to the guts and watch him bleed out. The though made him sick and excited at the same time.

An old saying flashed trough his mind somewhere. What was it again? 'If at first you don't succeed, Try, try, try again.' And he wouldn’t miss on the second try.

 

Makishima was struggling to say something now. The broken rib must’ve made it hard to take in a breath in this position, but Kougami didn’t care. He couldn’t understand why Makishima would agitate him like that. Was he actually aching to die?

 

The words didn’t register at first. As quite and broken as they had been uttered. But his mind caught up when the white-haired raised a hand to point behind him. His eyes widened and there was a short catch in his breathing before he turned around to face the window Makishima was pointing to.

 

„You might want to make it quick. Searching troops are approaching.“

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter and hopefully further ones. xD  
> I haven’t written fanfiction in ages and English is not my first langue. (And not my second. :,D)  
> So I’m not sure if you can always tell in the dialogues who is talking right now.  
> Also I don’t have a beta to correct my crap so I’m sorry for mistakes in there. And messed up tenses...probably. 
> 
>  
> 
> Some kinda interesting (Idk tho) Quotes I took the liberty to add:
> 
> “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”  
> ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
> 
> "If at first you don't succeed, Try, try, try again."  
> ― William Edward Hickson, The Children of the New Forest


End file.
